The next couple posts will be on the same theme and in several parts. They will reflect on a lot of my journey as a single person.
I don’t subscribe to the ‘Singleness is a gift’ millieu. Maybe it’s just me. But I do believe it is a Journey and that God gives us Grace for whatever journey he takes us on.
As I approached my 30s and then was single at 30 (apparently a big curse, where you’ll grow warts and be unattractive to the male species for ever, especially if you have cats, like me), I found it very difficult. It wasn’t my plan. I didn’t want to be single at 30, I wanted to be married, with lots of little children running around. but it hadn’t happened and I was devastated.
I felt like I was failing somehow, constantly analysing myself for a fatal flaw that must be a big turn off to all the young men I knew. I had a house, car, good job, I was highly educated, I went to church every sunday, I read the Bible and studied the word. I participated in church events- I should be a catch right?
Why exactly was that wrong? Why was I uninteresting to the male species? It felt like a burden at times.
Looking back I know I put too much pressure on myself. And yet I can still remember the deep sadness within me, the strange feeling of grief that I was missing something I never knew. Like children. Marriage.
People would tell me, just have more faith. Go meet more people. embrace your singleness and be all that you can be. I even met people who told me, ‘Singleness is the best, it allows you to be more Godly.’I was told to support marriage, even when I wasn’t married. Support children, even when I didn’t have any. While both of those things were crucially important, they almost served to rub salt into an already raw wound.
I searched the scriptures doggedly. I prayed every day with all the deep longings of my heart welling in my words. I felt like the verses from Psalm 77:7-9.
“Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
When I would come home to my little house, empty, with only cats to keep me company, I would feel those verses most keenly.
And then about 3 years ago. I learned some things……